The middle ground - in search of it!

I suppose I ought not to be surprised that giving up alcohol (a drug at the end of the day) has given me such mood swings. That said, I have obviously had good and bad moods in the past, but I am finding the extremes the hardest thing to manage. One day I am happy and bouncy and full of beans; the next I want to bite everyone’s heads off and am positively ‘manic’ in my behaviour.

I also suspect that replacing booze with caffeine is a factor. This certainly leaves me quite ‘wired’ in a way that I never was before. Instead of counteracting the doziness from a boozed-up night before, it now acts as a total stimulant. That said, I can’t resist my 3 cups in the morning, although I am very careful not to drink any after 11am.

The simple fact is, I am bored. A sober life is definitely more demanding than a permanently hungover one! Thoughts charge round my head now constantly and at 100 miles an hour. No sooner have I started considering one thing than my butterfly-like mind has moved on to the next. I actually think my ability to concentrate has got worse since I sobered up, not better. I flit from magazine to book, TV to radio and nothing has me engaged for very long. This morning I found myself on the train with The Guardian open on my lap, my blackberry in my right hand (I had just used it to google ‘cotton buds blocking drains’ and was waiting for a result!!!), looking out the window at Canary Wharf and considering in my head what I’d really like to say to my dad on Father’s Day!!!!

I am thinking about starting yoga again, though can’t go this weekend as K is off to Southampton to see his dad. As such, I have the flat to myself for 24 hours and am planning to spend every minute of it enjoying my sanctuary!! Even so, am not entirely convinced it is a cure for my pseudo-ADHD!!! I am also unable to motivate myself to go running again, which amazes me. Time was that running was something I never missed as it gave me breathing space and tired me out. I can’t blame K as he has done nothing to de-incentivise me, but my loss of willpower and organisation has coincided with him moving in. I used to run with a hangover as a great way to sweat out the toxins, so why I am avoiding it now is beyond me. I start the day with all good intentions, but when the time comes to put on my kit, I just can’t face it. The idea of taking it easy at home with my beloved instead is just too, too tempting!

So today I am in search of…equilibrium. That’s basically all there is to it. I want some balance, some routine, and above all, something to do at work!!! An idle Ilona is a very unhappy Ilona.