Facing up to fears....

Some days, I do actually thank the higher powers (can’t say Gods as I have never been religious and have failed to be converted over the years) that my life is as OK as it is. Yip, it has its ups and downs but, on the whole, it’s pretty good. That’s not to say that there isn’t always room for improvement, but perhaps if I actually listened to my gut instinct a bit more, I’d have even less on my plate to worry about.

I am convinced that many people ignore what their heart is telling them, and constantly plough on as if the nagging voices don’t exist. In my experience there are 2 types of people. On the one hand, there are those who would rather ask a ridiculous question that is clearly wrong, than risk not following up a lead in their head. Some would call them paranoid, pedantic or just plain irritating! On the other are those who would rather have knives stuck in them than ask awkward questions or face up to the inevitable and are the same ones who’d rather spend 10 minutes in a shop looking for something than ask an assistant.

I am in the latter camp. I know I often cut off my nose to spite my face, rather than just getting out of my comfort zone and asking someone. I simply find it impossible to display ignorance in front of anyone. I’d rather not do something than fess up that I don’t know. Funnily enough, I can see where alcohol came in handy here, as it loosened my tongue. It made me willing to show myself up as my crippling self regard was down. I could walk into any bar or shop with a few glasses inside me, and march up to concierges and receptionists without a care in the world, if I’d imbibed. Now I feel even more self-conscious than ever and shy away from anything that involves being strident.

Take last night. I now hate arriving places early on my own. I used to be blasé, having invariably been for an after-work drink or something to take the edge off it. Now I can’t bear it and try every trick in the book to meet friends elsewhere. The place in question is particularly awkward, as they won’t give you a table until your whole party has arrived but insist you ‘loiter’ in a bar beforehand. I kind of brought it on myself as I had suggested it as the ‘destination du jour’ having been there the other week. In a perverse way, I am probably trying myself out. As it happened, one girl could meet me early at Café Nero, which we did. I was therefore relieved to see that the restaurant (my nemesis!!) was heaving when we finally got there, so made swift decision to go to a restaurant I knew like the back of my hand that was just round the corner! It was a bit like standing at the top of the ski-run, daring myself to go for it, then backing off and talking the cable car down. So, in terms of guts and self worth I clearly have a long, long way to go.

Must mull this over as am sure I will have more to add tomorrow.