I am still full of the joys of Spring (well more like Summer but hey!!). Was a bit hacked off by the end of yesterday but surprised myself by how level-headed I was towards my wee problem; namely that it was my dad’s birthday. I’d sent him a card (even though he didn’t send one to me) and was hoping for some acknowledgement, but none was forthcoming. I was philosophical about it, though, as he’s hardly going to suddenly change his opinion over a bit of card and a first class stamp. I reminded myself that my conscience was clear, which is all that actually matters, and whatever effect it had, he could hardly get upset with me for it. It will have at least raised me in his consciousness and reminded him that whatever he thinks, I do still care.
So I was bright eyed and bushy-tailed today and even made a tentative booking with the town hall in Rye for my wedding. Yay!! Am hopefully going to see the venue properly on Saturday now too, once I’ve talked it through with K, but I know he’ll be pleased as his family were asking for details at the weekend and I knew it was time that I pulled my finger out on that score. Am feeling pretty excited now that I’ve got the ball rolling, and am starting to visualise me as a bride at last (albeit in red with devil horns – ha ha ha ha!!)
The weather is still fabulous so I am sure that is helping, but I also finished one of my ‘drinking’ memoirs last night and have been contemplating how so much of the drying-out period seemed to resonate with me. She said she had been ‘sick and tired of being sick and tired’. She had always felt like the odd one out as a child and had been paralysed by fear over everyday stuff that didn’t faze other people. There was one particularly good line which made me stop reading and really think:
‘Then it comes to me. The [young] girl is me – the happy little girl in me who was lost, drowned in alcohol, little Alice who was terrified every time big, angry Alice neglected her and staggered off on yet another bender. I feel blessed to have rediscovered me’.
I think that says it all. Over the last month (and another week!) I have indeed rediscovered me. I’ve been working out what I like, what I don’t, what I want and what I need to get rid of and I am starting to feel like I am finally living the life of my choice, and not the one that other people had mapped out for me. If I don’t want to do stuff now, I won’t. Every invite is now considered carefully, as it was always my default setting to say yes in order to please everyone, then spend the time running up to the event simply regretting it. I’ve finally cast off the people who did not bring pleasure to my life and am only doing things which truly (madly and deeply!) appeal. That’s not to say that I’ve completely forgotten my sense of duty and obligation (hence the christening was for me of paramount importance as K’s sister has welcomed me into the family with arms so wide I can’t appreciate it enough), but it’s all part of a negotiation now. If someone never does anything for me in return for my devotion, I won’t tolerate it indefinitely. My mother cancelled a trip to Paris with me for my 33rd birthday as ‘your brother has just bought a house and I want to get started on renovating it’. At the time, I was gutted, but said nothing and found someone else to go with. Like the time when they didn’t even bother invite me to their big party for their 25th wedding anniversary as ‘you were abroad and couldn’t afford to come back on an au pair’s wages’ I am utterly dispensable in their eyes rather than an integral part of the family. I slavishly turned up to everything they invited me too and was rewarded with a take it or leave it approach to my needs. Not any more. K has his faults (as all men do!!) but he has always appreciated what I do for him, from cooking his dinner to booking our holidays. He always says thank you and how lucky he is and I, in turn, am rewarded with surprise gifts and endless cups of tea. Hell, he even does the washing up and puts the bins out without being asked!
Life is a system of exchanges and I am finished with being the one that always got the raw deal and never complained.
So I was bright eyed and bushy-tailed today and even made a tentative booking with the town hall in Rye for my wedding. Yay!! Am hopefully going to see the venue properly on Saturday now too, once I’ve talked it through with K, but I know he’ll be pleased as his family were asking for details at the weekend and I knew it was time that I pulled my finger out on that score. Am feeling pretty excited now that I’ve got the ball rolling, and am starting to visualise me as a bride at last (albeit in red with devil horns – ha ha ha ha!!)
The weather is still fabulous so I am sure that is helping, but I also finished one of my ‘drinking’ memoirs last night and have been contemplating how so much of the drying-out period seemed to resonate with me. She said she had been ‘sick and tired of being sick and tired’. She had always felt like the odd one out as a child and had been paralysed by fear over everyday stuff that didn’t faze other people. There was one particularly good line which made me stop reading and really think:
‘Then it comes to me. The [young] girl is me – the happy little girl in me who was lost, drowned in alcohol, little Alice who was terrified every time big, angry Alice neglected her and staggered off on yet another bender. I feel blessed to have rediscovered me’.
I think that says it all. Over the last month (and another week!) I have indeed rediscovered me. I’ve been working out what I like, what I don’t, what I want and what I need to get rid of and I am starting to feel like I am finally living the life of my choice, and not the one that other people had mapped out for me. If I don’t want to do stuff now, I won’t. Every invite is now considered carefully, as it was always my default setting to say yes in order to please everyone, then spend the time running up to the event simply regretting it. I’ve finally cast off the people who did not bring pleasure to my life and am only doing things which truly (madly and deeply!) appeal. That’s not to say that I’ve completely forgotten my sense of duty and obligation (hence the christening was for me of paramount importance as K’s sister has welcomed me into the family with arms so wide I can’t appreciate it enough), but it’s all part of a negotiation now. If someone never does anything for me in return for my devotion, I won’t tolerate it indefinitely. My mother cancelled a trip to Paris with me for my 33rd birthday as ‘your brother has just bought a house and I want to get started on renovating it’. At the time, I was gutted, but said nothing and found someone else to go with. Like the time when they didn’t even bother invite me to their big party for their 25th wedding anniversary as ‘you were abroad and couldn’t afford to come back on an au pair’s wages’ I am utterly dispensable in their eyes rather than an integral part of the family. I slavishly turned up to everything they invited me too and was rewarded with a take it or leave it approach to my needs. Not any more. K has his faults (as all men do!!) but he has always appreciated what I do for him, from cooking his dinner to booking our holidays. He always says thank you and how lucky he is and I, in turn, am rewarded with surprise gifts and endless cups of tea. Hell, he even does the washing up and puts the bins out without being asked!
Life is a system of exchanges and I am finished with being the one that always got the raw deal and never complained.
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