I feel good and yeah, I knew that I would!!!

Had an excellent evening yesterday – my wee flat all to my splendid self!!! It’s a shame that something bad had to happen to give me my space as I am obviously pre-occupied with what K is going through in Southampton, but at the same time, it was a much-needed break. I did at least make a real effort too, not to go mental on my own!! I did a few things round the house but spent the majority of it on the sofa with trash on TV and pretty much revelled in it. Hmm, maybe I am making some progress after all!

Anyway, back to my stress addiction! I am most interested in the following symptom:

You are the sacrificial giver, playing the martyr

People-pleaser, martyr, whatever you want to call it, my apparent acts of self-sacrifice have come to define me – at least in my family’s eyes. My mother once commented that they felt like quacking every time I brought a boyfriend home, as I was severely afflicted by lame duck syndrome. Of course, her words are pretty poisonous but truth is many of my partners have, in some way, shape or form, been supported by me. My reason for never asking any of them to support me was simply that I hade been brought up by a mother who hammered home that I needed to be self-sufficient and never rely on a man. This I have done.

My parents have given me financial support along the way, as they saw fit, but only ever with the caveat that they expected a return on their investment! I, on the other hand, have always given unconditionally. That is simply my nature. I don’t expect anything and am pleasantly surprised when someone does do me a good turn. It’s far more self-preserving that way as you don’t end up disappointed very often – ha ha!! In turn, you have to write some things off as an unwise cause. My first long-term boyfriend ended up living off me for 2 years. Sure, I never got any money back but I did get to work out what sort of man I did/didn’t want, so he was a worthwhile investment albeit an expensive one! My next got himself banged up in jail after 6 months, giving me no choice but to end it. That said, his mother has assured me that he changed his life round after that as he saw what being a dick had lost him. That is all I ever needed to hear. K came to live me with me between jobs. He hasn’t, however, lived off me, only been offered help (on a loan basis) whilst it was needed. He had to survive alone when he was ill and when we met, was just getting back on his feet. Over the years he has made a fortune and lost it. He knows that money doesn’t bring you happiness and as part of recovery, he seeks a simple life with no trappings so that our future is solid and secure rather than precarious and materialistic. In this, he espouses my own values and neither of us consider giving (financially and emotionally) as being done in order to get something back.

To be a martyr, you need to sacrifice things and I don’t believe that I’ve ever sacrificed me for anyone else. I’ve spared a bit of me for them, but not to my own detriment. I also hope that I have given to friends as I have to partners. The only time that I have rectified an imbalance is when someone has been clearly taking me for a ride. It has happened and I can spot the signs and am strong and selfish enough to say ‘no more’. That said, it never hurts to review your relations and suss out if anyone is taking advantage of you. On that point, therefore, I don’t think I’m addicted, more susceptible!!

Drinking wise I am so close to the 2nd month anniversary that I am starting to get quite excited. It’s such a milestone and every day reinforces my belief that I have far more willpower than I have ever given myself credit for. I always told myself at the outset that I would fail (as I so often had before) or, as my parents would say ‘let myself down’. I set out on this one with a can-do attitude and it’s really paid off. No more self-sabotage for me. If millions of others can do it, well so the hell can I. I mentioned to K last night that I was proud of myself for NOT resorting to a bottle of wine on Sunday when things were incredibly tough. He claimed that he hadn’t even noticed but since I mentioned it, yes, it was clearly progress and he was pleased. He has to be so careful not to place any emphasis on my abstinence, coming as he does from his position, so wouldn’t normally bring it up without my mentioning it. Last night I had a tantalising moment passing the off-licence on the way home. How easy it would have been to slip in for a bottle and then hole up back at home with my stash – no K to see me, no-one to know and a night of getting obliterated. But I didn’t and am pleased as punch that my resolve stands. The feeling waking up knowing I have resisted the urge is far, far better than the inevitable hangover had I capitulated and indulged.