Anger is a positive emotion, is it not?!

Have had a frustrating day. I’m irritable again, yet this time I can’t blame PMT! I think I am simply having a grumpy week, and should bow to it rather than fighting it.

Interestingly, I’ve discovered a new ‘sensation’ that has only been apparent since I gave up the booze. When someone annoys me now, I can feel a surge of rage coming up inside me, like a sort of hot and bothered feeling and my heart beats faster at the same time. I get really short-tempered and have to physically calm myself down with deep breaths. It’s usually when I am feeling a sense of injustice or being taken advantage off that this emotion is set off, and I really noticed it today and remembered something similar from a week ago.

I was debating earlier today with my friend S, the ins and outs of being a compliant and agreeable person, as opposed to one who said it like it was and stood for no one else’s shit. It started with a Take That concert, strangely enough!!! As a young adult and up until recently, I frequently attended events to please people. It might have been theatre or music or just a dull house party, but I never gave a thought to whether or not I WANTED to go beforehand. I often found myself on a train or a plane heading somewhere and ruing the day I said yes to whatever function I had ahead of me. Lately I have learnt to say, ‘no thanks. Not my cup of tea, lovely of you to ask but I have no interest whatsoever’ in said thing. It’s been like my voice can be heard by me in my head, but the person I am addressing has put their fingers in their ears and said ‘I’m not listening’ la la la la la.

So when once again my colleagues were discussing this morning how wonderful the latest Take That concerts had been, I mentioned that my friend G had been asking me (yet again!!) to go with her to one at the O2. As I said to them ‘which part of I don’t like and never have liked Take That and am totally turned off by the boy band/pop genre in general’ did she not understand? They then said that I would probably enjoy the ‘show’ element and didn’t know what I was missing which is what started me off into a tailspin of anger. No, no, no. I can’t abide all that ‘greased up bodies in tight clothing, prancing across a stage and miming to music which makes my ears bleed’ malarkey. I was an Indie child and a rock fan. I like alternative stuff, some folk and Celtic things but I hate mainstream pop. I would no more suggest they join me at a Paradise Lost concert than fly in the air so what part of them considers my own preferences to be flawed or not fully formed; like if I would only try their choice of entertainment then I might see what I am missing. In actual fact, I probably have tried it during my compliant phase, so am probably well-placed to say no!!!

My friends and associates also seem to struggle with the notion that I am their friend but I don’t share their every single interest. They make it a mission to convert me (be it The Braying Hooray Henry Wanker’s Flower Show or has-been tossers in Lycra from Manchester) and can’t seem to see that I am my own person with my own likes/dislikes. S, on the other hand, regarded by many as a strong personality, does not suffer such nonsense and I can only aspire to make myself heard in the same way as she does. She has tons of friends, a very solid marriage and yet manages to do what she wants and when she wants without incurring the wrath of others, whilst still keeping her nearest and dearest happy. Well, we all need goals to work towards, eh?