The mess inside my head!

The weekend is already within sight and I am fair looking forward to it. It will be busy, but am sure it will be enjoyable, although am getting just a ‘leetle beet’ nervous about meeting all K’s family and doing the reading, now it is only days away. That said, I may lack confidence in many areas, but strangely, meeting new people is not one of my bugbears. I’d almost say I enjoy it, unless I know in advance that said company will not interest me (such as the family of one of my ex-boyfs, for instance, who brought a new meaning to the word dull!) when I go into Kevin the Teenager mode and yawn ostentatiously until I am granted an escape – ha ha!!!

My head has been up and down all this week though, with quite staggering highs and lows. Maybe it’s arriving at the one month date and realising I have only just started this journey and have a helluva long way to go yet. Maybe it’s the weather which has fucked me off big style being filthy one minute and glorious the next. Maybe it’s the mind-crushing boredom at work, as stuff trickles in but I am still occupying my time with deadly admin and other such time-passing endeavours. Maybe it’s just life, eh?

I have at least realised that I like to apportion blame to things as it’s neat and tidy in my mind if I can find a reason. I am hell bent on giving a meaning to everything and can not comprehend the idea that things ‘just happen’. It’s weird because I have been trying to ascertain what sort of mind I have, if only to gauge what I like/dislike/enjoy doing/hate or resent, in an effort to find things to do that don’t involve drinking and will keep me busy and suppress the desire for a drink.

I don’t think that I have what could be considered a logical brain, as I struggle a great deal with basic maths and science. I can grasp the big picture but am hopeless at the detail. I get bored very easily and equally I can get sudden inspiration and be full of ideas. However, I often can’t be arsed with the application element, which I like to think makes me a creative type – ha de ha ha!! But then I get terribly bogged down with sequences and patterns and things ‘fitting into place’ which kind of suggests that I am driven by order not chaos. I am anal about my desktop being clear, and keeping drawers and cupboards spotless, yet my home becomes a pig-sty before I have even noticed and I am quite capable of letting things slip there. I go through phases of being polished, from top to toe, then I can quite happily let my roots show, my nails break and wear the same things on a rotational basis to save ironing other stuff. As regards some subjects, my memory is positively photographic, then I can watch a history programme and be enraptured for hours, yet not be able to regurgitate a single date or fact straight after. I feel as if somewhere along the way in my development I have emerged as a mass of contradictions, like I’ve been fighting the left and the right side of my brain all my life. I wish, on the one hand, that I could just let go of what I consider my ‘hang-ups’, yet I count them as virtues when things need organised or sorted out or kept on track. I would also like to just let things go, take it as it comes and not get anal about things. However, as soon as I sense that chaos may well be taking over in Bedlam, I go hell for leather restoring calm again.

I suppose all of the above explains why I’ve had what I can only call an inner torment for as long as I can remember. The good girl, the dutiful daughter would do it this way. The bad girl, the devil child would do it like this. I kept using the bad one to beat up the good one and vice-versa, in perpetuity. I suppose bad isn’t even a fair word as I am not thinking of doing anything inherently evil. Bad in my books is not tidy, not organised, not simple and not ‘good for you’. Good is being a paragon of virtue but both are total extremes that can not be condoned as a way of life. So that’s where I am at today. When I can finally find my middle ground, I will be a very happy bunny!