As my anniversary approaches...

The weekend beckons and I am really looking forward to a relaxing one before we have a couple of busy ones. Next weekend is the christening, and I am trying to resist the urge to buy a new outfit. I have a ton of clothes in my wardrobe which I haven’t worn for ages (didn’t fit) that I now find fit me very well and flatter my slowly shrinking figure. In spite of an abundance of perfectly good dresses, I’ve been window shopping (what’s window shopping on t’internet, eh – screen-licking?) and am soooo tempted to splash out.

The devil is pulling me to the shops and the angel is saying wait until you feel comfortable in your skin again and happy with your weight. It’s like the impatience you get as a child when you can see presents to be opened under the tree and you are offered the ‘you can have one on Xmas Eve or keep them all until tomorrow’ option by your parents – well that’s what happened in our house! My bro always went for opening one now, but I invariably resisted with a smug, self-satisfied look on my face.

Question is, did I actually appreciate it more the next day, or not? I’m inclined to think not. I have a similar attitude to savings. Whenever I have saved money and then spent it in a splurge on whatever it was designated for, the reality has been a real let down. Maybe that’s natural, maybe that’s me, I just don’t know. K on the other hand, who was incapable of saving before I came along to help manage his finances, displays extreme pleasure when he gets his hands on something he has been saving up for. He needed a new battery recently for his exceptionally expensive watch, which costs an obscene amount to replace. As such, we’d earmarked the expenditure for last month’s salary and when he got the watch back (from its trip to bloody Switzerland FFS!) he couldn’t contain his glee. Seriously, he kept looking at it and shaking it on his wrist for days, so pleased was he to have his now gleaming and functioning watch. My feelings when I bought some shoes last month that I had been considering for a while, was a whole different ball game. Maybe it’s because I spend such an immense amount of time planning and budgeting, that the thrill is somehow lost. Also, perhaps as I am doing the planning and budgeting for K, he can actually sit back and enjoy the event. I am deeply tempted to just go out with my credit card and buy what my heart desires as and when I see it and see how it feels. But as my lunch break today involves a trip through Mayfair with my colleagues to a leaving lunch, perhaps I should save that idea for the weekend – ha ha!

Anyhoo, am not back to work until Tuesday 26th which is my first anniversary of not drinking. Yay! One month of total sobriety will have passed and I will be one twelfth closer to my target. Am not gonna get too excited, as I do have 4 days to go but as I don’t feel in the slightest bit tempted to drink still, am fairly confident that I will make it.

So, what have I learnt over that period of time?
- I have no concept of moderation in any aspect of my life – alcohol is just one of the things that I consume/do in an excessive fashion;
- I am happier on a day-to-day basis without a perma-hangover. I also experience variations in mood based on events (which are therefore entirely normal) rather than my own internal struggles;
- I have a long, long way to go if I am ever to get back to normal drinking. I am no longer scared though, that I might well become permanently sober and am willing to face the fact that whilst I am no alcoholic, I do have a drink problem.

I have also achieved a great deal.
- I have saved a fortune! OK, I’ve spent it on other life-enhancing stuff, but wow, how nice to be flush again;
- I have lost over half a stone in weight (I don’t weigh myself but use clothes as a guide and the comments from my friends) and feel much, much healthier;
- I have got on top of the housework and started to keep things up on a continual basis rather than constantly lurching from pristine to pigsty.

Next month will be interesting as I am starting to settle in to the challenge and imagine that complacency and boredom will be my greatest hurdles. I am not setting myself any goals this time, having learnt that this can be my biggest enemy, thus thwarting my success. I shall, instead, just go with the flow, something I have never knowingly done before!!!