Happiness...the greatest gift

Was musing on the subject of what makes me happy on the way to work today. I am convinced that most of my self-esteem issue comes from feeling like a round peg in a square hole a lot of the time. I suspect it’s all part of the pigeon-holing that goes on in infancy, by parents, their friends and family and school teachers.

I was always the good child. The one who did as she was told, excelled academically and wasn’t in the least bit sporty, spending her life with her nose in a book. I had few friends as I was seen by many as the teacher’s pet. I was expected all along to go to university and do something major with my life and was encouraged to go way outside my comfort zone in all areas as much as possible. Spending so long in that place has made me what I am today, and therefore constantly searching for a sense of peace and calm.

It’s one thing to push the boundaries and challenge yourself in order to be fulfilled and develop; it’s another to spend time doing things and with people in whom you have no interest or desire. By the same token, it’s also easy to think you know what interests you/what you want to do, by virtue of comparison with others and you can so easily reject someone or something that is attractive as it’s either an unknown quantity or not what is considered to be within your range.

Examples? Being so bored at soirees, gatherings and parties that all I am concerned with is what time I can make my excuses and leave. Visiting people for weekends and spending long stretches wishing I was anywhere else but there. It’s not universal, nor omnipresent, but that feeling of having to be somewhere and with certain people and having no say in the matter has been consistent since adolescence. As part of the ‘good girl’ act I trailed along to places and met up with people of my parents’ choosing – suffering whatever pain that incurred and smiling sweetly throughout. It’s fair to say that my brother did not do the same. He exercised his right as an individual to pick and choose what he did/didn’t want to do. Plus everyone respected that because he was ‘the cheeky one, who knew his own mind, who would much rather be kicking a football then being bored indoors’. Get out of Jail Free card to him but I never even thought to apply for mine as it was a given that I wouldn’t get it.

Xmas is marked in my mind as eternally tiresome. Last December I didn’t go home for the first time ever. My parents had stopped speaking to me in early December so the decision was made for me. The ensuing festivities were with K’s family and, whilst they weren’t story book perfect, they were very relaxed and comfortable. I definitely didn’t miss making polite small talk with my parents’ friends and neighbours one iota. I didn’t miss the annual booze and food fest which always culminated (at some point or other) in a huge family fight with my mum accusing me of being fat after spending 3-4 days stuffing me senseless (I always felt like the turkey that never got sacrificed!!) I didn’t miss being bored and under stimulated waiting for the days to pass until I could get back to London and the peace and sanctuary of my own flat; all the time spent with a look of pleasure splattered right across my face, lest someone think I wasn’t happy and challenge me about it.

So if I know what I’m not, I need to find out what I am. Not a job for the faint-hearted nor one that I expect to complete any time soon. The journey starts here, though.

On to confession time. Nope, didn’t have a drink last night but I did fail to implement a resolution. Yep, didn’t do any weights. And do you know what? I am not going to get upset about it. C’est la vie and all that. I did walk in today, brush my teeth last night, avoid sweet stuff etc, so what’s the harm in omitting to lift a couple of dumbbells? None whatsoever. K had run a bath for me when I got in and by the time I’d had that, had a cup of tea and downloaded my day with him, it was time to cook dinner. I never even remembered until on my way to work today, so am making today’s exchanges as follows:
- Taking up not doing weights unless I feel like it! Ha ha ha.
- Giving up beating myself up! Not on the sobriety issue as that’s non-negotiable but on the other small stuff that makes me imperfect. I shall endeavour to keep my new vows as much as possible, but not at the expense of spontaneity (i.e. I spontaneously chose to spend yesterday eve on the sofa with my beloved rather than lifting weights!!!!)

Today I am very thankful for:
- My Spanish friend Noelia who sent me an adorable belated birthday e-card with a photo of her kiddies. It’s just tooo cute for words.
- Mobile phone reception being crap! If it hadn’t been, I wouldn’t have had to step in to my bosses’ wife’s shoes and do a phone bid for their dining room table with Bonhams! It’s such fun to spend someone else’s money with wild abandon (well, I had a final amount but it was nice and high!).
- Having had another first class night’s sleep! Have been sleeping like a baby of late, and feeling so much more re-energised by the morning. K suffers dreadfully from insomnia, so I can not underestimate the value of a quality night’s rest.