If only I had a punchbag!

I’m angry today. Grrrrrr! I woke up angry and carried it on through my commute and it was my response to every email on my blackberry as I came in. Anger, irritation and annoyance.

I was annoyed by the man next to me who thought his elbow deserved it’s own seat. The woman, and above all her child, behind me who, beside kicking the back of my seat all the way in, screeched unintelligibly for the best part of the 25 minute journey. I’m angry still from something that happened yesterday and it’s clear to me that when that rage starts burning in me, it doesn’t fizzle out anytime soon!

What got me in this state was the excuse of an apology that I received yesterday from the colleague who had been illegally accessing mine and a partner’s email. Not only was it sloppy and dismissive but it insulted our intelligence. The ensuing telephone conversation between my boss and his new boss sent my blood pressure soaring sky high. I am incensed that someone with no axe to grind towards me can behave so disrespectfully. I hate to sound as if I am posturing from up on some moral high ground, but whilst I have made mistakes and done stuff that I am not proud of over the years, I can not imagine having been caught doing something so underhand at his level and continuing to deny any wrongdoing. The partner involved is also furious. We both started the day with that fire in our belly that only comes from being slighted or hurt without reason.

When I got home last night my beloved had bought me a present that day, just cos he fancied it. It was terribly sweet and did calm me down quite a bit, although I was probably pent up for most of the evening. Being the kind of guy he is (i.e. tactful!!) he had bought me some Calvin Klein pyjamas in small. For those who don’t know, that means miniature and child sized and no-one larger than a size 6 would look halfway decent! Bless him as he had told the sales assistant I was small and cute (well I am 5ft2 to his 6ft so in his eyes I am!) and she had not realised I am a short-arse with a comfy size 12 body! Anyway, maybe if I stomp through St James’ Park to exchange them at lunch today, I will get some of my frustration out.

I don’t like being angry. I hate the look in my eyes and the tense stance I adopt when I am. I hate being so damn upset and being poor company as a result. I hate letting someone make me think such nasty thoughts, but at least thinking isn’t enacting as the only one to come out well from me castrating him, would be humanity who would be spared any of his offspring! But above all, every time I get angry, the family stuff starts to bug me again. I dreamt about it last night and it came into my thoughts a lot this morning. I am so hurt and aggrieved that my family have turned against me that any semblance of similar behaviour brings it all flooding back. My acupuncturist works with me to think happy and positive thoughts, which help relax and de-stress me. Seeing myself as I am today I can truly understand now how much benefit I get from it. There is no cure for anger – it’s a human emotion and I might control it but I can’t prevent it. What I need is somewhere to channel it that will do good, not harm. Hmmm, watch this space.

But you know what, in spite of all that I am still thankful for:
· The fact I do have beliefs and want to uphold them. I know that I am not always right, but it is reassuring that I want to try and do the right thing more than anything else and whilst I am human and will fail, I don’t have the morals of an alley cat;
· My pyjamas! Hey, someone loves me enough to go out and buy a pressie and solicit advice from an assistant so as to make me happy. That’s definitely worth treasuring.
· Being sober. Above all, anger was an emotion I exploited to the max in terms of opening up a bottle. Yes, I drank when I was happy but always with a sense of guilt like I knew I was overindulging and could have chosen not to. Being angry justified sinking as much alcohol as possible whilst reassuring myself that this was a time when I could and would. Not last night and I hope not any more.