The turning tide

Today is my fiance's anniversary. He's been sober for exactly 5 years on 16 April 2009, continuously and completely so.
I met him in August 2007, via the wonders of The Guardian's Soulmates site, and we have been together (albeit with the odd separation) ever since.

The only K (his pseudonym for the purposes of my blog) I know is this one. I never knew the one that preceded his final stint in rehab. I know a lot about the man he was before becoming the one I now live with, as K is frank, honest and open about everything that went before. There are no secrets and no holds barred between us.
As such, I know that he is a very different person, albeit shaped not just by continuous sobriety but also a serious illness which temporarily robbed him of his sight, to the one who consumed gargantuan amounts of alcohol on a daily basis.

Today I feel an immense amount of pride in him. I had underestimated just how much his strength and purpose meant to me, as staying dry is his promise not just to me, but his family and friends. His pledge not to drink is one of the greatest gifts he can offer us all and as he spends today thanking AA and his higher power, I am thanking fate for having brought us together as I am sharing in his accomplishment.

We've been through some pretty tough times, the last 18 months or so, and whilst it won't be stress-free henceforth, we are experiencing a relative period of calm and peace right now. Things are coming together and looking positive and, when the going gets tough again, I can fall back on the knowledge that we have our wedding this December to truly look forward to.

As such, I want to make a promise to myself. I want to spend a year in his shoes, in as best a manner as I can muster. I couldn't even contemplate experiencing what he went through when he dried out, as my drinking is far away from alcoholism and does not (yet) constitute a health hazard. It is, however, not in the happy zone. I can sink a bottle of wine without it even touching the sides, and still remain upright and fairly presentable. To say that it has worried me for a long while would be the truth of the matter and meeting K has meant addressing my fears for the first time in my life.

Surrounded by big drinkers, many friends and family who wouldn't even contemplate an alcohol-free event, I have become like so many others; a drinker by proxy. Things are all enhanced by the addition of vino - a trip to the pub, a good meal, a shit piece of news, Friday night telly, Saturday night pre-party, Sunday relaxing before back to work - you name it, the reason (nay excuse) is always there.

If I can spend 12 months learning about willpower, deprivation, courage, strength and purpose, then it can only serve to enhance me rather than be in any way to my detriment. My health, weight and mood should all improve and any ensuant soul-searching can be no bad thing.
Day one.