Feel the fear!

I am a victim of my own self esteem. It’s me that keeps me down. I keep having ideas and thoughts and think about putting them into practice, then I back off in fear. Fear of failing, fear of people laughing at me, fear of people saying told you so and fear of being a success and then having to maintain it.

I was watching some of those ‘no going back/new life abroad’ programmes at the weekend – which I agree, is nothing to be proud of but whilst high-brow boyfriend is away, I can’t get enough of a trashy fix!! Anyway, what this taught me was that you have to be brave – very brave – with your life choices. You can’t expect the dream job to land in your lap, your relationship to be perfect and life’s little obstacles to magically disappear. Basically, if I want something I have to think about how I am gonna get it and then start making progress bit by bit. I think I can safely confess to having never planned anything in my life. I sort of sit and wait for things to happen to me and then baulk at the stress. If I decided to embrace my life and make of it what I want, things would be very different.

However, giving up drink has proven that I am not a quitter – I really can do something day by day, step by step and with a clear sense of progress being made. I am capable of changing radically and achieving something great. This time I’m not second best, as I’ve achieved the ultimate goal which was to manage to stay sober and if that’s possible, hell knows what else I could achieve!

This weekend marks the 3 month milestone and I shall celebrate it with K. He’s back for a few days and I simply CAN NOT WAIT! God, have I missed him. It’s nearly our 2 year anniversary too, so, as we won’t be going to Paris now to celebrate because of circumstances (financial and with regard to his dad) we shall at least mark it with some quality time this weekend, starting with a gig tomorrow night.