Project me – progress update!

I had a really awful day yesterday. Nothing dreadful happened, but I got myself into something of a state first thing over a relatively minor issue and felt like death warmed up all day. I was irritable, short-tempered and borderline weepy and all that had unsettled me was the fact that I had accidentally picked up K’s Blackberry rather than mine. Ridiculous as it seems, when K called me I was on the train to work and dug down into my bag to find it nestling next to mine, and a wave of stress washed over me. He wasn’t angry, he didn’t overreact but I couldn’t apologise enough and desperately tried to think of things to do (train home, courier) to rectify it. All the way to work thereafter I kicked myself and all morning I was in a foul temper and on edge.

K called me back at lunchtime as I had sounded stressed about it earlier and once again I kept tripping over myself to say sorry. Something very trivial and in no way majorly problematic sent me over the edge. I know it’s not about the bloody machine. It’s his personal one so he could work quite happily without it. He received one message in a day and it was from his sister just saying Hi. The issue was not the phone but it inspired such hand-wringing angst that I had failed/messed up/caused stress (albeit not major) that I know there is something badly wrong with me that I need to sort out.

Last week I put a lot of effort into my self-improvement programme. I enrolled on courses: a massage one this Sunday coming, a Thai cooking one in September and an upholstery course in October. In fact, I spent so much online that my bank did a security check on my card (called the wrong mobile number) and stopped it!!! I also went to East London on Thursday evening to meet a jeweller who takes old rings and creates new ones – remodelling and blending. He has some wonderful ideas for my engagement ring and I really enjoyed the process as well as embarking on something related to the wedding. On Saturday I visited my old friend Dixie (a former colleague from Parliament) whom I hadn’t seen in at least 5 years and it was a real pleasure, not only to do something I’ve been procrastinating about for yonks but also spend a day in rural Suffolk. I felt pretty chuffed with myself on Sunday as I had even done a 4 mile run and seen a couple of friends last week as well as all the above.

So Monday was like a huge black cloud hanging over me. None of my recent achievements seemed to register and my only feeling was of disappointment, uselessness and stress. This wasn’t how it was meant to be!!! I am not daft, however and know full well that the blackberry mistake was a minor issue, magnified by my own underlying angst about something much more significant, namely my parents. It can’t go on. It is neither a workable nor acceptable situation for anybody. I can tell from speaking to my aunt that she finds it a strain and my brother is particularly bothered by it now that he has a wedding planned. He sent me an email last week and asked me nicely to get in touch as he thinks they may be in a conciliatory mood. I doubt that’s the case, but that’s not the point. He wants them to make peace with me so badly that he is hoping that if I hold out the olive branch they may be surprised enough to accept it.

Part of me feels relief from having been apart from them for so long and has no desire to go back to the place I was mentally at the outset. Also, my non-drinking stance will have a huge impact on where we go from here. I can’t imagine meeting them and not drinking in their company and them accepting it, but that part is non-negotiable for me. But I hate the anger inside me that bubbles up every so often, as I am reminded about how judgemental, condemnatory and hurtful they can be. I feel like it is time to draw a line under it all and give them one last chance to agree to disagree or forever hold thy peace. Hopefully then I can stop beating myself up over other stuff that is unrelated to the real problem and move on. Wish me luck.