Onwards and upwards

So why the blog again? Why go back to something I ended up calling narcissistic and self-absorbed? Firstly, I still need to deal with my feelings of shame from my drinking days. I haven’t talked these out enough (might be that I would have done had I done AA) and I haven’t necessarily confronted the cold stark truths, preferring to sweep it all under the carpet as generic history. This has been gnawing away at me, particularly of late when I found myself more crippled with embarrassment at drinkers than ever before. It’s my problem, not theirs and I need to sort it out. The blog is like confession – at least once it’s down on paper (screen) I have to accept it and hopefully work my way through it.

I am now well on the way to a full 12 months of sobriety (I won’t write last year off as it was 99% sober, but I now see January 1st 2010 as the true date of my going sober) and the first few months of giving up the drink last year were definitely helped by blogging. Just the action of writing something helped me stick to my resolutions, so whilst I am a happier and better person these days, there are a whole load of other aspects of my life to address now. If blogging can get me dry, then why shouldn’t it help get me fit and healthy too – in mind and body.

I can celebrate the fact that, over a year on, I am winning the battle with the booze. It’s been slow and, at times, painful, but each month that passes makes me more proud of myself and the sense of achievement gained from staying sober far outweighs the ephemeral pleasure I got from a night on the lash. Plus there’s no backlash from staying sober: no hangover, no memory recall of the night before, no war wounds and UDIs and no liver damage!

Of course I have passed exams, succeeded at job interviews and even run a marathon over the course of the last 36 years but this is the first thing I have achieved that has caused me true pain along the way. The sacrifice is what makes it stand out above other things. I have on occasion yearned for a drink and felt truly deprived. Saying no took a lot of willpower and I am hoping that this will help me manage other areas of my life.

I now have an exhaustive list of things to do and plan to tackle each one on its own. That’s the main thing I’ve learnt over the last 18 months – it’s all well and good setting yourself goals but if you make the journey towards them painful and impossible you aren’t going to finish. Breaking things down and tackling them chunk by chunk is far more rewarding. It sounds very AA to say this, but ‘one day at a time’ really works for me in many ways.
What also helps is establishing a finite point. The idea is that working towards it gives you a goal, but along the way the habit may just become more ingrained than expected. Last year I planned to spend a year sober. It was only as time passed that I opted to become teetotal. If I say I am training for a 10k in 4 weeks time (yip, 4 weeks!) I will work flat out to get there. Hopefully once the event is over I won’t revert to my old behaviour of training madly for an event, doing it, then going back to zilch. I am hoping that what will happen instead is that my head will be cleared doing lots of lovely long runs and when 3 July has passed I’ll established have a whole new regime. Bring it on!!!