C'est moi - de nouveau!

So, no sooner had I promised to get blogging regularly again than I go awol for a couple of weeks! I do, however have my excuses, honest guv!

I have been crazy busy with a new job, my old job, interviews and a wee adjustment to my wedding plans, as well as trying to get my social life back to some sort of normality and catching up with friends.

First, the wedding, which I have been agonising about for a month or so. When K and I planned the date last year, neither of us could have possibly foreseen the events that followed and when we reached the milestone of just 2 months to go, we had a real heart-to-heart on the subject. Basically, there were numerous reasons to postpone including financial (we'd already pared it down to the minimum which isn't really how a wedding should be), postponing the honeymoon until we were both in full time, long term paid employ and offloading the Depeche Mode tickets in Glasgow on e-bay. But the major issue for me was over guests. K's dad is very ill now but still with us. No-one can predict if he will still be with us come December, but the last thing we wanted was to be getting married if he was and seriously ill. In addition, my brother has agreed to meet with me and K and I was hoping this would happen before the wedding so that he could come. Time was an issue for both him and us, so it was looking very unlikely that this would happen. With a heavy heart I suggested to K that we wait until next year and by then, with a bit of luck on our side, things would be a lot more settled. I can't honestly say that I am happy about it, as that would be perverse, given that it is one of the few things that I had to look forward to this year. What I am relieved about is getting the stress and worry off my shoulders when, right now, I have other stuff to think about. Also, this way, I have plenty of time to plan the wedding exactly as I want so that I can walk down the aisle without a heavy heart. Knowing K's dad was ill or that my brother wasn't there would have saddened me, so whilst nothing is ever perfect I really hope the rescheduled day will be less angst-ridden.

Work has gone nuclear since I last wrote. I got a call to go do some 'emergency' temping which was a relief as we were beginning to stress about the next month's finances and I was happy to take whatever was on offer. To be perfectly honest, I had very low expectations, as it was a private equity firm (an industry I have worked in before and disliked intensely) but I figured that I was capable of the role and could happily do it for the short term. I was also still waiting to hear about an interview for the role of school business manager that I'd seen an agency about a few weeks ago, so needed something to keep me busy in the meantime. Finally, it turned out that the company was directly across the road from my old job on Pall Mall, so I could skip out of there at 5.30 and pop over to see my old colleagues and do the months end accounts as I'd promised I would. I had an interview for a media company lined up too, so all seemed to be moving in the right track nd the temp work would keep the wolf from the door. What I didn't reckon on was how much I would enjoy it and had certainly not factored in wanting to stay!!!! I'd been there 3 days when HR approached me about throwing my hat into the permanent ring. My new boss, D, is larger than life in many ways and an exceptionally wealthy man. To say that I dismissed his lifestyle as vulgar at the outset is an understatement. I had no idea that under the tough exterior was a gentleman, nor that everyone attending the shoots that I was organising would be so charming. The job is about 85% personal and involves liaising with his estate in Scotland, in a part of Brechin that I adore. In effect I have combined country with city in an exceptionally pleasant job!!!

Basicallly, next week I have the school interview on Thursday and the current role (formal interview) on Friday so I will report back when I have made some decisions. My old colleagues would love me to be over the road too and have been frantically promoting the benefits of the temp role, but my heart still wants to work for something 'worthwhile'. That said, my new colleagues have been refreshingly friendly and the hours are very manageable. What's not to like, eh?

So where does this leave my sobriety? How has it fared? Hmmmm, not so good actually. That is not to say that I have had a drink, I can honestly say that not a jot of alcohol has passed my lips, but as the 6 month stage draws near I have been very, very tempted. Perhaps it is realisation that this is only HALF way (yip, another 6 months to go) but also the new environment I am in has given me food for thought. Firstly, the guy I work for would probably dismiss all my plus points if he discovered I was teetotal, as one aspect of the job is bidding on vintage wine! He is a true buff, so would probably struggle to believe that I could be 'his' assistant and still be dry. Not that I have to tell him and certainly won't be doing so, but I have told my colleagues as they wanted me to join them for a drink last week and I thought it best to nail my colours to the mast when I did. That's when the idea of NOT telling them came into my mind. You see they would know noone in my current life and I could sneak off for a drink with them and noone would be any the wiser. It was, I hasten to add, a fleeting thought, but it was there all the same, the idea of compartmentalising my life in to those who know and those who don't. Like leaving a fag in the packet when you give up, to smoke when you are on your own.

What concerned me was not that I thought about it, dismissed it and went out with them anyway, happy to stick to fizzy water, but that the whole discussion around my sobriety popped up again (not helped by going to a bar in Mayfair that I was last in when I was horribly, horribly drunk!!!!)

The more I talked, the more I explained, the more the desire to go sod it crept in. I have fought hard all week to remind myself why I am not drinking and have had what I consider to be my first crisis point. Twice I considered mentioning it to K and asking if I could get some vino, and twice I have got through to the other side and not done so; but not without difficulty.

It's a new phase and it's the toughest it's been since the outset. Possibly the changes to the wedding plans have upped my anxiety levels, along with nerves from interviews, starting a new job and basically being in a place that has made me feel out of my depth in so many ways, such that alcohol and it's anaesthetic effect have been more and more appealing. It has sharpened my realisation that I did use it as a prop to relax and that the effect it has can not be easily replicated with mint tea and lemon cake. Hmmmmm.

But I have stayed strong, I have stayed sober and I am 10 days from 6 full months of not drinking. Bring it on, baby, bring it on :-)