Have just taken 2 weeks off to reflect and chill, given my newly redundant status. I rarely take time out from all things internet, but I had no desire to log on added to woeful service from Virgin Media so had a semi-enforced break. I have been a busy bee and not only visited my brother and other friends in the Midlands, but have done my best to spend some quality time with my London-based pals, given we spend more time rearranging dates due to work commitments than actually having them!!! I have also signed up with the various agencies who are on the look out for something suitable, and will ask them all for temp work next week if nothing comes up in the meantime. It's a naturally slow summer period so am anticipating a fair few months of uncertainty rather than expecting to get settled again in the near future.
I've also visited K's dad in his nursing care home, which was sad as he is there for palliative care, but a lovely opportunity for me to reassure him that his son is in safe hands now! Plus I have taken up baking and am a demon at lemon drizzle and cherry and almond cake now. Hmm, something tells me domestic bliss actually suits me, which is a slightly startling thought. After all, the natural path would be kiddies next but I am still soooo not ready, having spent quality time with lots of friends' babies of late. Fab for an afternoon, but definitely not forever!
I shall elaborate more on the visit to my bro in later posts but suffice to say it was a success. Plus, my greatest success so far? FOUR beautiful months of sobriety. Today was my anniversary and I am so, damn proud.
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Wednesday, 5 August 2009
Looking forward, looking back and living in the here and now
K and I have discovered a marvellous new way of chilling out of an evening. On Monday night we were both struggling to sleep, our minds churning with our various stresses (our respective job searches, our families etc etc) and he suggested we get up and go for a walk at about 10.30. It was a balmy evening and we wandered down to the river (about a 10 minute walk) and sat on a bench by the Thames Barrier. It was unbelievably still, quiet and calming, looking over at the lights from the O2, Canary Wharf, docklands and the barrier. Apart from the odd figure in the distance, we saw no one and sat chatting for about an hour. When we got back we had a quick cuppa then slept like neither of us has done in a long, long time.
We went back last night as it was warm again and we both felt like listening to the water lapping up against the wooden pontoons that are common round there, as it is incredibly soporific. At one point we turned round to see a lady fox (well I presumed her sex as she was so cute and sprightly, not mangey and sleekit like a boy would be!!) staring at us and she continued for about the next half hour to dart in and out of the shadows. At one point she ran up audaciously towards us, until she was mere inches away, but swiftly beat a retreat. We figured that her cubs were probably at the other side of us somewhere and that she needed to get past but wasn’t quite brave enough, so we headed home around midnight so she could be reunited with her offspring.
In sobriety, I am still constantly amazed at the pleasure that can be gained from the simplest things. Over the years I have tried and tested all manner of hedonistic pursuits and each and everyone has its ‘sell by date’. Like they say ‘the drugs don’t work’ and neither, after a while does booze, shopping, clubbing or any of the other things people aspire to in youth as they are supposedly naughty or purely pleasure seeking. What does work, never bores me and always leaves me feeling better afterwards, is nature, art and the joy of learning something new, be it information or a skill. Finishing a good book that has enlightened me somehow, chilling in a peaceful setting with a cup of tea and some classical music or a ramble of any description in the country, mountains or by the sea, all still press my buttons. As does cooking. The other evening I spent 2 hours pottering, chopping fruit and veg, mixing stuff up and generally experimenting in an almost meditative state! Last night, I bought all the 2 for one veg offers from M&S and watched K gobble up a huge plate of chicken, asparagus and mushroom couscous that I had knocked up. I am so middle aged that I have The Archers on in the background and lose myself in their stories of country life!!!
My friends that I went to The Proms with the other evening, whom I have known forever and very much feel like a brother and sister (albeit married to each other ones!!), were laughing at mine and K’s dreams to move somewhere remote and relaxing. As they correctly pointed out, I’d be ace at running the village website as I am such a nosey cow, but we’d be severely hampered by our combined inability to drive! Given that K won’t ever get a licence as he is now deemed partially sighted, I am duty bound to learn one day and they have already got a mental image of me in a Beetle, holding everyone up on the country lanes whilst I go about being a sticky beak!!!
In spite of these realisations, I am still finding it hard to let go of the things I once coveted but which no longer please me as they once did. It’s like when you drop ties off old friends because you no longer have anything in common, or they have let you down badly. You know it’s for the best deep down, but old habits are really difficult to break and your mind keeps taking you back to good times and things that might weaken your resolve. What I do know, however, is that time is a great healer and the day does come round when good things you did before are hard to conjure up again and you can forget what made it once tick. K and I were discussing old romances last night as we sat by The Thames and it puts it all into perspective, really. Once you really did love someone, but in many instances, the love does indeed die. Obviously, I hope this is never the case with K, but we both have experience of when that did happen and can draw on that to help make sure we never stay together for the sake of it as we have both done with people in the past.
So my days of loving the vino are fading – slowly but surely and I am convinced that when the year is up, there won’t be a strong desire to reunite! It was mine and a colleague’s leaving lunch today, with 2 of the partners, and we had a lovely lunch at the Gaucho Grill; big hunks of juicy red raw steak, drenched in garlic and parsley – yum!! Not once did I even contemplate having wine with it, even when the 2 other girls had theirs. The taste of the meat was so well defined and the pleasure of enjoying just the food is something I can finally appreciate. Total bliss!
And finally, I did indeed promise last week that a new, healthier life beckons and I was determined to start making changes. I managed a lovely, endorphin boosting run on Monday and am off again this evening to trot round the mean streets of Charlton. OK, so I aint Paula Radcliffe yet, folks, but it is a start!!!
We went back last night as it was warm again and we both felt like listening to the water lapping up against the wooden pontoons that are common round there, as it is incredibly soporific. At one point we turned round to see a lady fox (well I presumed her sex as she was so cute and sprightly, not mangey and sleekit like a boy would be!!) staring at us and she continued for about the next half hour to dart in and out of the shadows. At one point she ran up audaciously towards us, until she was mere inches away, but swiftly beat a retreat. We figured that her cubs were probably at the other side of us somewhere and that she needed to get past but wasn’t quite brave enough, so we headed home around midnight so she could be reunited with her offspring.
In sobriety, I am still constantly amazed at the pleasure that can be gained from the simplest things. Over the years I have tried and tested all manner of hedonistic pursuits and each and everyone has its ‘sell by date’. Like they say ‘the drugs don’t work’ and neither, after a while does booze, shopping, clubbing or any of the other things people aspire to in youth as they are supposedly naughty or purely pleasure seeking. What does work, never bores me and always leaves me feeling better afterwards, is nature, art and the joy of learning something new, be it information or a skill. Finishing a good book that has enlightened me somehow, chilling in a peaceful setting with a cup of tea and some classical music or a ramble of any description in the country, mountains or by the sea, all still press my buttons. As does cooking. The other evening I spent 2 hours pottering, chopping fruit and veg, mixing stuff up and generally experimenting in an almost meditative state! Last night, I bought all the 2 for one veg offers from M&S and watched K gobble up a huge plate of chicken, asparagus and mushroom couscous that I had knocked up. I am so middle aged that I have The Archers on in the background and lose myself in their stories of country life!!!
My friends that I went to The Proms with the other evening, whom I have known forever and very much feel like a brother and sister (albeit married to each other ones!!), were laughing at mine and K’s dreams to move somewhere remote and relaxing. As they correctly pointed out, I’d be ace at running the village website as I am such a nosey cow, but we’d be severely hampered by our combined inability to drive! Given that K won’t ever get a licence as he is now deemed partially sighted, I am duty bound to learn one day and they have already got a mental image of me in a Beetle, holding everyone up on the country lanes whilst I go about being a sticky beak!!!
In spite of these realisations, I am still finding it hard to let go of the things I once coveted but which no longer please me as they once did. It’s like when you drop ties off old friends because you no longer have anything in common, or they have let you down badly. You know it’s for the best deep down, but old habits are really difficult to break and your mind keeps taking you back to good times and things that might weaken your resolve. What I do know, however, is that time is a great healer and the day does come round when good things you did before are hard to conjure up again and you can forget what made it once tick. K and I were discussing old romances last night as we sat by The Thames and it puts it all into perspective, really. Once you really did love someone, but in many instances, the love does indeed die. Obviously, I hope this is never the case with K, but we both have experience of when that did happen and can draw on that to help make sure we never stay together for the sake of it as we have both done with people in the past.
So my days of loving the vino are fading – slowly but surely and I am convinced that when the year is up, there won’t be a strong desire to reunite! It was mine and a colleague’s leaving lunch today, with 2 of the partners, and we had a lovely lunch at the Gaucho Grill; big hunks of juicy red raw steak, drenched in garlic and parsley – yum!! Not once did I even contemplate having wine with it, even when the 2 other girls had theirs. The taste of the meat was so well defined and the pleasure of enjoying just the food is something I can finally appreciate. Total bliss!
And finally, I did indeed promise last week that a new, healthier life beckons and I was determined to start making changes. I managed a lovely, endorphin boosting run on Monday and am off again this evening to trot round the mean streets of Charlton. OK, so I aint Paula Radcliffe yet, folks, but it is a start!!!
Tuesday, 4 August 2009
Wee update
So, I’ve been offline for a wee while but I am back, with a vengeance! Well, sort of! I have had such a lot to do since opting to leave my job and with my other half taking redundancy at the same time and shuttling between me and his dad, it’s been pretty hectic.
Have registered with 5 agencies, some of which I can trust and some of which are new to me. It’s a dreary and soul destroying job, chugging round the various places and engaging with them about your likes and dislikes etc. I have found many dead-eyed and frankly plain stupid folk in the recruitment industry, so when you get the odd gem (and yes, they do exist if you look hard enough) you regain the will to live!
It’s a slow month, August, in general, so am fully expecting to have to start temping at the end of the month whilst I search for something permanent to take me on to the next stage in my wee (well varied would be a polite word for it, chaotic and unplanned would be more honest!) career. Anyway, more tomorrow as I have a load of stuff to do (my departure having generated lots of work, typically!!)
Have registered with 5 agencies, some of which I can trust and some of which are new to me. It’s a dreary and soul destroying job, chugging round the various places and engaging with them about your likes and dislikes etc. I have found many dead-eyed and frankly plain stupid folk in the recruitment industry, so when you get the odd gem (and yes, they do exist if you look hard enough) you regain the will to live!
It’s a slow month, August, in general, so am fully expecting to have to start temping at the end of the month whilst I search for something permanent to take me on to the next stage in my wee (well varied would be a polite word for it, chaotic and unplanned would be more honest!) career. Anyway, more tomorrow as I have a load of stuff to do (my departure having generated lots of work, typically!!)
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